The Rubbish Expedition

I have a bin and it often needs lining and so I have been to the shops to purchase this. The Shopkeeper told me this lining was the best on the market. "Sturdy, fragrant, won't do you wrong," he beamed. A pack of around thirty 'sacks' as they are colloquially known, but I'm not one for fashion.  I'm a beige man and although I'll stick by it, you're a little limited in formal wear when the occasion presents itself as it did on my morning outing.

I would estimate that the time and effect that has gone into making one of these 'sacks' is either too little or too great as the resulting product is far from satisfactory. As I told the somewhat flabbergasted Shopkeep, I wouldn't stand for his inadequacies, "But they're all like that these days," he feebly broke.

Further investigations have proven this somewhat rugged desire of mine to be languishing in a far flung time.  These days people want the weakness, need the failure if they are going to make an event of their rubbish disposal but I am a busy man, I have cows to slaughter and meat to flog and once I'm done I'll get my kicks wherever they're welcome.

I guess we don't all have standards.

Fitness Is Important

Nearly there...

998.

999.

1000.

Hells yeah. It's taken me on and off about a year now but even I have to congratulate myself on doing a thousand press-ups.  Congratulations.

I read somewhere on a cereal packet that doing a press-up is the equivalent to running a space mile so I've probably hit the moon and back a few times already.  First butcher on the moon probably.

It's not that I'm getting fat or anything, the opposite being true, I haven't weighed more than six stone in my entire life. It's partly why I'm so naturally adapted to gliding and why I always dress up as Flat Stanley on Halloween.

Hitting the big triple zero was a test of will, a battle with myself to show that I can beat myself, time and time again, and I'll be honest, finally achieving is a great feeling.

Next year I'm going to try tuck jumps.

He'll Be Thinking Twice

He's down to three lives and unless he wants another drowning I don't think Thomas will be stealing my laser pen anytime soon. Damn giraffes.

Stress As Yet Unfelt

I'm hearing that privateers have taken control of the communication network and I'm trying to rally together a band of eager do gooders to free my monthly soil publication from their hideous clutches. We need urgency comrades, edges could be getting creased as I write these words. Stay in touch, Ewan. Peace xxx

I've Got The Bunge

I couldn't possibly eat another meal.

I'm Sick Of All This

Can someone please explain to me how they get the jam into those doughnuts?  I've tried it with custard, ice cream, apples, you name it but every attempt I undertake brings me nothing but confusion and grief.  I'm starting to think that this endeavor is beyond my capacity.  Sigh.

Now I Know

Beatrice has just spilled the beans, and they have gone EVERYWHERE!

It's All Too Much

Duncan has ruined the trifle and won't refrain from beating on the Laird.

It's Too Cold

I'm very upset and do not care for horseradish preservatives.

Finally Found The Hoe

The sun, the moon, the stars and all their rainbows.  There are just too many things on my lick list and not enough time.

Just Nipping Out To The Shed

I am just going outside and maybe sometime.

Down In The Dumps

I'm really upset.  My fridge died yesterday and I went down to the tip earlier to dispose of the body.  I've known Jimmy for nearly twenty years and this is a goodbye I wasn't ready for.  So farewell dear friend, you've always been there for me and I'll miss you forever and ever.

Stay cool.

Name Change

I have recently stumbled onto the knowledge that you can alter your name via Deed Poll and being stricken with a horrid central description I have decided to alter the midway point between my forename and surname.  You know, zap some pizzazz into it.  How does everyone feel about Ewan Garth Pooperfarts?  To be honest any other middle name is an improvement.  Ewan Pooperfarts Pooperfarts is just ridiculous.  Who has the same middle name and surname?  My parents really did have an alternative sense of humour.  Or they may not have been joking when they said 'They would rather I had been born dead'.  Parents, I guess we'll never know.

I'm Free

I have just spent the last few weeks under a spell of silence.  Apparently the local Witch, Miss Craddock was unhappy with her steak fillets and is blaming me for a ruined dinner party.  Only now has the curse been lifted can I speak freely of the tortuous fortnight that has recently past.  It was crummy and although all future allegiances with the Witches Guild will be partaken in, they will be lacking in enthusiasm and dedication.

Chicken's, That Question We All Ask At One Time Or Another

I have a little ask.  Can anyone tell me if Chicken's are frightened of Chicken feed?  I have taken this statement as fact but am starting to think that it may be untrue.  Poor Sir Flushington is wasting away but I still can't bare to put those beady little eyes through a moments misery.  Advice?

P.S. I have several tons of Chicken feed that needs a home.  Enquires to Ewan, at the shop, Upper Lower Tollwoodford.

Narnia

I don't know where I have just been but everyone was riding past stars in paddling pools and teaching plants the finer points of ballet.  This was not what had been promised when I stepped into this musty old wardrobe.  The experience is causing me to question the existence of reality.  More importantly, it leaves the trading standards act with some tricky questioning.

Line Dancing

I've just seen Dolly Parton on the Radio and I've decided to take up line dancing. So watch out Scunthorp here I come.

It's Monday

Hooray, Hooray it's Monday today.

Good Friday

There is nothing good about Friday's.  My deliveries are always late, I'm sick of setting the clocks back every hour and all my customers are determined to buy me out of steaks.  I hate being grumpy but Friday's suck.  I've stubbed my toe on the same cabinet every Friday since 1997 and it is wearing thin.  I've had the metal skirting changed three times and that isn't cheap. I think people have a sick sense of humour.  They crucified Jesus on this day over two thousand years ago.  Now, I've had to look into this and crucifiction is a very bad thing. So Good Friday can go suck on some rotten eggs because I'm taking the day off and locking myself in the attic.

Sheep Rustling

I was counting my flock last night, just before I dropped off to sleep and something terrible has happened.  I'm missing one sheep!!!  I consider this to be without a doubt the worst thing that has ever occurred ever.  I don't want to press charges I just want him back.  His name is Daniel; he's sheep like and adorable.   He may have just wandered off, either way; there is a Christmas turkey in it for anyone who brings him back.  Dead or alive (I think that is the phrase).  Daniel if you are reading this we are all worried about you and just want to see you home safely.