Today's Spectacular

I was rummaging around the loft earlier and found my old roller skates. So of course I had to try them out. You may not believe this but I've just bombed down a hill at 300mph and performed seventeen backflips off this sweet jump only to land perfectly and glide through a playboy model shoot. Anything is possible.

Buttons

Can everyone please stop sending me buttons. I don't know where this fad originated, but my draws are full and I only own one coat. What's frustrating is that my coat is missing all it's buttons but I don't have any that will match, fit or suit it. This really isn't funny.

Pilots

There are no such thing as pilots. I have proof but am unwilling to share it.

Ewan

It's Been A Good Day

I've just made £171.52 at Borough Market. Sold all my stock and won the raffle. It's been a good day. Shame about the stroke.

Face Constipation

Rats, I've got the face constipation again. This is really going to put a crimp in my social life.

I'm Leaking

Help! I'm leaking. But not in the usual places. I'm scared, alone, confused and I just want this too stop.

I'm Stuck

I don't know how this happened, but I was walking along Thompson Street watching funny cat videos on Youtube when I got my ear stuck in a bus stop. Can all passengers waiting for the 44a please give me more assistance than a passing glance.

Yours longingly,

Ewan