Just Nipping Out To The Shed

I am just going outside and maybe sometime.

Down In The Dumps

I'm really upset.  My fridge died yesterday and I went down to the tip earlier to dispose of the body.  I've known Jimmy for nearly twenty years and this is a goodbye I wasn't ready for.  So farewell dear friend, you've always been there for me and I'll miss you forever and ever.

Stay cool.

Name Change

I have recently stumbled onto the knowledge that you can alter your name via Deed Poll and being stricken with a horrid central description I have decided to alter the midway point between my forename and surname.  You know, zap some pizzazz into it.  How does everyone feel about Ewan Garth Pooperfarts?  To be honest any other middle name is an improvement.  Ewan Pooperfarts Pooperfarts is just ridiculous.  Who has the same middle name and surname?  My parents really did have an alternative sense of humour.  Or they may not have been joking when they said 'They would rather I had been born dead'.  Parents, I guess we'll never know.

I'm Free

I have just spent the last few weeks under a spell of silence.  Apparently the local Witch, Miss Craddock was unhappy with her steak fillets and is blaming me for a ruined dinner party.  Only now has the curse been lifted can I speak freely of the tortuous fortnight that has recently past.  It was crummy and although all future allegiances with the Witches Guild will be partaken in, they will be lacking in enthusiasm and dedication.

Chicken's, That Question We All Ask At One Time Or Another

I have a little ask.  Can anyone tell me if Chicken's are frightened of Chicken feed?  I have taken this statement as fact but am starting to think that it may be untrue.  Poor Sir Flushington is wasting away but I still can't bare to put those beady little eyes through a moments misery.  Advice?

P.S. I have several tons of Chicken feed that needs a home.  Enquires to Ewan, at the shop, Upper Lower Tollwoodford.

Narnia

I don't know where I have just been but everyone was riding past stars in paddling pools and teaching plants the finer points of ballet.  This was not what had been promised when I stepped into this musty old wardrobe.  The experience is causing me to question the existence of reality.  More importantly, it leaves the trading standards act with some tricky questioning.

Line Dancing

I've just seen Dolly Parton on the Radio and I've decided to take up line dancing. So watch out Scunthorp here I come.

It's Monday

Hooray, Hooray it's Monday today.

Good Friday

There is nothing good about Friday's.  My deliveries are always late, I'm sick of setting the clocks back every hour and all my customers are determined to buy me out of steaks.  I hate being grumpy but Friday's suck.  I've stubbed my toe on the same cabinet every Friday since 1997 and it is wearing thin.  I've had the metal skirting changed three times and that isn't cheap. I think people have a sick sense of humour.  They crucified Jesus on this day over two thousand years ago.  Now, I've had to look into this and crucifiction is a very bad thing. So Good Friday can go suck on some rotten eggs because I'm taking the day off and locking myself in the attic.

Sheep Rustling

I was counting my flock last night, just before I dropped off to sleep and something terrible has happened.  I'm missing one sheep!!!  I consider this to be without a doubt the worst thing that has ever occurred ever.  I don't want to press charges I just want him back.  His name is Daniel; he's sheep like and adorable.   He may have just wandered off, either way; there is a Christmas turkey in it for anyone who brings him back.  Dead or alive (I think that is the phrase).  Daniel if you are reading this we are all worried about you and just want to see you home safely.

The Grand National

Just won six fifty on the national.  I'm six scratch cards and a Mars Bar up on yesterday.  Although, I am down one betting slip.  Still, you learn a lot from compromise.

Break Dancing

I've decided to take up break dancing as a way of impressing the ladies. With my straight elbows I'm a natural at handstands, I just have problems keeping my feet at the same level. Still, once this has been mastered they'll be no stopping the Groove Jester.

I'm The Greatest

Free liver and onions for everyone. Psych. April Fools.

Today's Spectacular

I was rummaging around the loft earlier and found my old roller skates. So of course I had to try them out. You may not believe this but I've just bombed down a hill at 300mph and performed seventeen backflips off this sweet jump only to land perfectly and glide through a playboy model shoot. Anything is possible.

Buttons

Can everyone please stop sending me buttons. I don't know where this fad originated, but my draws are full and I only own one coat. What's frustrating is that my coat is missing all it's buttons but I don't have any that will match, fit or suit it. This really isn't funny.

Pilots

There are no such thing as pilots. I have proof but am unwilling to share it.

Ewan

It's Been A Good Day

I've just made £171.52 at Borough Market. Sold all my stock and won the raffle. It's been a good day. Shame about the stroke.

Face Constipation

Rats, I've got the face constipation again. This is really going to put a crimp in my social life.

I'm Leaking

Help! I'm leaking. But not in the usual places. I'm scared, alone, confused and I just want this too stop.

I'm Stuck

I don't know how this happened, but I was walking along Thompson Street watching funny cat videos on Youtube when I got my ear stuck in a bus stop. Can all passengers waiting for the 44a please give me more assistance than a passing glance.

Yours longingly,

Ewan

Monopoly Times

I've just been playing monopoly with myself and I've totally hotelled it up on Mayfair. Watch out.

On Tour

It's great being on tour. So far we've been to loads of places. The best place was Lancaster where the Mayor gave me a pen. We even saw Jimmy Saville in a branch of Snappy Snaps getting his holiday pictures blown up and framed as a present to himself.

P.S. Thanks for the plans Anthea but Tracy Island's on hold until I get some more PVA glue. Kisses.

Thunderbirds Are Not Go!!!

Right, I'm trying to build me up a Tracy island with these haggard old Blue Peter prints but someone's spilt mustard sauce over the lettering and I don't know where Thunderbird 4 goes. So I need someone to use the Interhighway to sort me out with a new set of plans as soon as practical. I'm totally in a mood for playing but without the blueprints where the fuck is Alan blasting off from?

Wow

It's just so good.

Shoes

Has anyone seen my shoes? It's really serious, I have to leave the shop to go pick up a new lamp stand but I'm afraid of pavements. If it helps the last time I had them was on my feet.

Chao.

Oh God

It finally happened.

Bailiffs Are Gone

Turns out they just popped in for some good sandwich turkey. Had to send them down the street to Desmond's. He owns the poultry patch around here.

Bailiffs

The Bailiff's are in.

Squashy Balls and Wooden Legs

My legs are acting up again today but I found this totally sweet squash ball on the floor outside the shop.