Down In The Dumps

I'm really upset.  My fridge died yesterday and I went down to the tip earlier to dispose of the body.  I've known Jimmy for nearly twenty years and this is a goodbye I wasn't ready for.  So farewell dear friend, you've always been there for me and I'll miss you forever and ever.

Stay cool.

Name Change

I have recently stumbled onto the knowledge that you can alter your name via Deed Poll and being stricken with a horrid central description I have decided to alter the midway point between my forename and surname.  You know, zap some pizzazz into it.  How does everyone feel about Ewan Garth Pooperfarts?  To be honest any other middle name is an improvement.  Ewan Pooperfarts Pooperfarts is just ridiculous.  Who has the same middle name and surname?  My parents really did have an alternative sense of humour.  Or they may not have been joking when they said 'They would rather I had been born dead'.  Parents, I guess we'll never know.

I'm Free

I have just spent the last few weeks under a spell of silence.  Apparently the local Witch, Miss Craddock was unhappy with her steak fillets and is blaming me for a ruined dinner party.  Only now has the curse been lifted can I speak freely of the tortuous fortnight that has recently past.  It was crummy and although all future allegiances with the Witches Guild will be partaken in, they will be lacking in enthusiasm and dedication.

Chicken's, That Question We All Ask At One Time Or Another

I have a little ask.  Can anyone tell me if Chicken's are frightened of Chicken feed?  I have taken this statement as fact but am starting to think that it may be untrue.  Poor Sir Flushington is wasting away but I still can't bare to put those beady little eyes through a moments misery.  Advice?

P.S. I have several tons of Chicken feed that needs a home.  Enquires to Ewan, at the shop, Upper Lower Tollwoodford.

Narnia

I don't know where I have just been but everyone was riding past stars in paddling pools and teaching plants the finer points of ballet.  This was not what had been promised when I stepped into this musty old wardrobe.  The experience is causing me to question the existence of reality.  More importantly, it leaves the trading standards act with some tricky questioning.

Line Dancing

I've just seen Dolly Parton on the Radio and I've decided to take up line dancing. So watch out Scunthorp here I come.

It's Monday

Hooray, Hooray it's Monday today.

Good Friday

There is nothing good about Friday's.  My deliveries are always late, I'm sick of setting the clocks back every hour and all my customers are determined to buy me out of steaks.  I hate being grumpy but Friday's suck.  I've stubbed my toe on the same cabinet every Friday since 1997 and it is wearing thin.  I've had the metal skirting changed three times and that isn't cheap. I think people have a sick sense of humour.  They crucified Jesus on this day over two thousand years ago.  Now, I've had to look into this and crucifiction is a very bad thing. So Good Friday can go suck on some rotten eggs because I'm taking the day off and locking myself in the attic.